Jokes

Four fonts walk into a pub and order some drinks.
The Landlord says, "Get out, We don't want your type in here".

The Buffalo Theory:-
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo...and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

A horse goes into a pub and says, "Drinks all round, I've just won the Lottery".
The barman asks, "So why the long face?".

A brain walks into a bar and asks the barman for a set of jump-leads, but the barman tells him to get out as he's barred.
'Why?,' asks the brain, 'I've never been in here before'.
The barman says, 'you're out of your head and you're trying to start something'.

A man approaches a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He asks,  'Do you serve football supporters in here?'
The barman replies, 'Yes we do.'
So the man says, 'Pint for me ... and a football supporter for the crocodile please'

There is a sign that says "No strings served." The first string says, "Well, I'll get served... watch."
So he walks into the bar. He saunters up to the bar and says, "I'll have a beer please." The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here. Get out!"
So the second string says, "Well, I'll get served watch."
So he pulls down his hat and turns up his collar & walks into the bar. He strolls up to the bar and says, "I'll have a beer please." The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here. Get out!"
Finally the third string says, "I'll get served." He messes up his hair, twists himself around and goes into the bar. He strolls up to the bar and says, "I'll have a beer, please."
The bartender says, "Say, aren't you a string?"
He replies, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- Dean Martin

A man in a bar says to his drinking partner, "I think I'm going to leave my wife...she hasn't spoken to me for 6 months!"
His buddy replies, "Are you sure...women like that are hard to find!"

This white horse walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager. The barman looks at him and says, "'Ere, we've got a whisky named after you." The white horse looks confused and says, "What - Dobbin?"

A skeleton walks into a bar.
He orders a pint of beer and a mop

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar, the barman shouts: "What the hell is this? Some kind of a joke?"

A man rushes into a bar, orders the four most expensive 30-year-old single malts in the house and has the barman line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the barman remarks, "You seem to be in a hurry." "You would be too if you had what I have," the man replies. "Why, what do you have?" the barman asks sympathetically. "Fifty pence."

We've got our own recipe for Irish stew: Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the stout. Forget about the stew!

A man with a lump of tarmac on his shoulder goes into a pub. The barman asks him what he wants to drink. "Two pints please mate, one for me and one more for the road"

A sandwich goes into a pub, walks up to the barman, and says, "Pint of lager please"
"Sorry mate," says the barman, "we don't serve food in here"

Two drunks are walking along the road in London. One turns to the other and slurs, "Is this Wembley?"
"No, it's Thursday"
"So am I! Let's go for a drink"

A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely"
Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes"
The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order"

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